


You never really left me

by portraitofwlw



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: Angst, Decade long pining its bad, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, I twisted canon and im not sorry, Mentions of Sex, Pining, The jeleste is just hinted at tbh, kind of bittersweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:46:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24083056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/portraitofwlw/pseuds/portraitofwlw
Summary: It wouldn't have mattered if Madeline never saw Renata again after that night, she would've felt the same yearning at the back of her mind like a dull ache. It just so happened that they were thrown together again years later.
Relationships: Jane Chapman/Celeste Wright, Renata Klein & Madeline Martha MacKenzie, Renata Klein/Madeline Martha Mackenzie
Comments: 9
Kudos: 35





	You never really left me

**Author's Note:**

> (italics represent the past, plain text is the present)

Madeline couldn't believe she had ended up here. 

How had everything in her life led her to this moment? Why did everything look so different from what she had imagined, not just as a child, but even a year ago? 

Why was she here, in her house, alone? Why had the people she was positive would remain in her life forever been knocked out of her orbit, while people she would've never imagined she would care for stayed so close? Like she had said to Abigail, the best laid plans of your life go poof in your face.

So here she was, staring at her phone, trying to decide who to call and beg to come over. Jane? Celeste? Either would, probably, come if she called. Or they would let her come to their house, because they both had kids at home that they couldn't leave. And Madeline didn't, not right now. It was a miracle she had Chloe most of the time, at least Ed had given her that. Loneliness didn't look good on Madeline. 

She could call Bonnie, who she was unexpectedly fond of now, but she mostly wanted someone comforting and familiar to drag her out of this rut, and Bonnie wasn't that, not yet.

There was one more name that glared at her from her favorites list where it sat, a little out of place from everyone else. Renata. Was Renata even her friend? Yes. After all they'd been through together, Madeline had to admit that. But really whatever they had was more complex than a single word could describe. They were caught between two worlds, blurring the lines between tension and passion, flirtation and arguing, protectiveness and indifference. They would sway in one direction, and then rebound the other way. They were volatile, and this week they seemed to air more on the side of rivals than friends. So, even though Madeline's eyes fixated on the contact picture of Renata in her orange sundress at Ziggy's birthday a few months ago, one of Madeline's favorite photos of her, she called Celeste. She needed something warm and constant, and Celeste had always been too forgiving of Madeline's tendency to expect everything dropped, or at least rearranged, for her, tonight being no exception. 

"Are you sure it's okay that I come over?" Madeline asked, already gathering her things to leave. 

"Yes, I'm sure. I'll see you in a few minutes." Celeste sounded a bit tired and a little bit out of breath, but maybe that was just the natural tone of her voice after all these years. 

When Madeline pulled into Celeste's driveway she noticed that Jane's car was parked on the street. She hadn’t mentioned that Jane was here, which, upon second thought, wasn’t all that strange since Jane seemed to be at Celeste’s house more and more these days, usually under the guise of playdates between Ziggy and the twins. Madeline would find out what was going on between them eventually, but she respected their privacy more than she did most people’s, so she wouldn’t press too hard.

Celeste answered the door, looking as put together and elegant as always, and guided Madeline in the house. Jane was sitting on the couch when Madeline walked into the living room, looking at ease, as if she was in her own home, not Celeste's. 

“I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you she was here.” Celeste spoke quickly, like she was hiding something.

“I saw her car when I pulled in.” Madeline waved her hand dismissively, “It’s fine don’t worry about it. How are you Jane?”

"I'm good." Jane said, not moving from her spot on the couch. Madeline willfully ignored the tension and glances between the other two women in the room, and threw herself down into one of Celeste's expensive armchairs. 

"Do you have wine Celeste?" 

"Sure, I'll get us all glasses." Celeste turned and went to the kitchen. 

"So…." Madeline trailed off, sending Jane a questioning look. Jane blushed, and Madeline grinned. It was much easier to tease her than Celeste, maybe because of her youth, and Madeline found it to be one of her new favorite pastimes. Celeste came back with the wine before Madeline could say anything more, to Jane's relief. 

Madeline had realized it the moment she had walked in the door, but it was even more apparent now that she had interrupted something. Even through Celeste's casual conversation with Madeline and Jane's occasional chiming in, there was another conversation being had between the two of them, unspoken. 

"Should we invite Bonnie over?" 

It wasn't clear who had said it, probably Celeste since it was her house they were in, but all three of them were relieved to hear it.

Once Bonnie had been invited, Renata was as well. It was an unofficial rule that no one person would be excluded among the five of them, so even when Madeline's stomach dropped at the thought of seeing Renata, she didn't object. Seeing her had always evoked that feeling in her, like a drop on a roller coaster that wiped her mind of any other thoughts and replaced it with a haze. Call it seeing red, or green with envy, or wearing rose colored glasses, whatever it was, every glimpse of Renata was super saturated in her brain and unforgettable. And it had been that way long before they had considered each other public enemy number one. 

Once Bonnie and Renata arrived things felt easier, the five of them all together made things flow more seamlessly. They balanced each other out, kept any one of them from jumping into the deep end at any moment. It was hard to get consumed with your demons when everyone was around to fight them. And with Bonnie telling a story of one of the countless wannabe Instagram models in her classes, Madeline could almost pretend her heart was where it was supposed to be despite Renata's proximity.

Celeste brought out more wine once their glasses emptied, accompanied by a little tray of crackers, grapes, and cheese, like they were in the south of France and not southern California. 

Then, somewhere along the line, Celeste's latest case victory was brought up, probably by Jane, and Renata was insisting they celebrate. So the wine was traded for a champagne Celeste conjured out of her fridge, and the night continued. 

Madeline was careful not to drink enough to keep her from driving home in a few hours, and it seemed like everyone else was thinking along the same lines. Nevertheless, they were all pleasantly buzzed, and probably too loud to be considerate of the boys sleeping upstairs. 

Madeline's gaze drifted from Jane, who was talking about something, maybe her old house in Santa Cruz or Ziggy's latest adventure, and onto Renata as it had been threatening to do all night. Renata's hand was curled around the stem of her champagne glass gracefully; her red tipped fingers supported the base and intertwined on the glass just so, as if she was posing for a magazine, and her head was thrown back in laughter, exposing the smooth skin of her neck. 

"I love this champagne Celeste, I haven't had it in years." Madeline heard her say once she had stopped laughing, but the noise was far away in her head, clouded by memories that she was afraid to recall. 

"It's wonderful isn't it? A client sent it to me a few weeks ago." Celeste replied, even further away. Was this what Jane meant when she said she felt like she was on the outside looking in?

_Madeline nervously closed her clutch and straightened her dress before she exited the car with Celeste's help. She wasn't used to these kinds of events like Celeste was, and it showed on her face._

_"Don't be nervous." Celeste patted her shoulder a bit awkwardly. "It's not as intimidating as it might seem." Celeste slipped her arm through Madeline's and led them towards the entrance._

_They didn't know each other exceptionally well, enough to confidently say they were friends, but not much more than that. Celeste had only been in Monterey for six months, and she'd only known Madeline for the past three. But Madeline was by far the person she was closest to in Monterey, besides her husband, so when Celeste needed a date to a fundraising gala while Perry was out of town, Madeline was the answer. It was a bit strange that they were going at all, since Celeste wasn't a hedge fund manager or anything close to that, and Madeline was a single mother who made the same in a year that these people did in a month. But Celeste's husband was a stickler for these things she had told Madeline, and he insisted that she go._

_The venue was spectacular, all gold finishings and plush red carpets and decorative vases from Japan that belonged in museums. A few people seemed to recognize Celeste, but thankfully the two stayed together for a while, only making conversation when people came up to them. They made it through most of the night sipping on champagne, eating bits of food from the platters being carried around, and dodging the occasional attempts at flirting from the men who came by, but within the last few hours of the night Celeste was being whisked away by one of Perry's business partners, leaving Madeline to fend for herself._

_She stood awkwardly, waiting for Celeste to come back and contemplating just going back to the car when she saw a woman approaching her. She was almost as tall as Celeste, but she carried her height with power, not delicacy. Madeline had seen her a few times out of the corner of her eye already, she had spent the entire night working the room effortlessly, blending in with the ultra masculine and powerful men enough for them to take her seriously. It was obvious that she had to fight her way into this scene by the way she carried herself, always defensive. It didn't hurt that she was attractive, and intimidating at the same time. She was all legs and sharp lines, like a ballerina, in her dark green floor length dress. It was classy, but in a way that made it obvious she had spent more than an average person's yearly salary on it._

_"Hi. I'm Renata Klein."_

_Madeline shook her hand politely, noting the lack of a wedding ring. She was gorgeous._

_"Madeline Martha Mackenzie. Nice to meet you."_

_Renata raised one of her eyebrows at the use of three names, and a hint of a smirk threatened to appear on her face._

_"How regal." This time Renata did smirk. It suited her face. "I haven't seen you at any events before. Are you new to Monterey?"_

_"No, I'm here with Celeste Wright. Her husband is out of town so I'm filling in."_

_"Celeste…" Renata searched her mind for the name. "Perry's wife?" Madeline nodded, and Renata stiffened subtly. "I can't believe he sent her here without him. What does he expect her to do here, get him business deals?" Renata scoffed "Though I can't say it's surprising coming from him."_

_Madeline found herself a bit taken aback by the clear animosity Renata had for Perry. Madeline was far from his biggest fan but that was based more on feeling than fact; she hadn't found reason to dislike him thus far._

_"Do you work with him?"_

_"I know him through the grapevine, we've had a few interactions. He's hard to avoid in this town."_

_Madeline nodded and took a sip of her champagne, deciding not to press any further, though her curiosity was peaked._

_"This champagne is amazing don't you think?" Renata swiped another glass from a passing waiter and took a sip._

_Madeline suddenly realized that there was a group of people looking at Renata, seemingly waiting to talk to her. They looked almost like fans of a celebrity waiting to see if she would make eye contact with them. It made Madeline a little smug to be maintaining this apparently important person's attention solely on her._

_"So what do you do Renata? You seem to have the entire room wrapped around your finger."_

_"Does that include you?"_

_Madeline rolled her eyes, a smile still spreading across her face. Yes it does._

_"I wouldn't say you've won me over yet."_

_"Clearly I need to work harder." Renata smiled playfully at her. "Anyway, they're only interested in me because I recently moved from the east coast to manage one of the major hedge funds here."_

_"How fancy." Madeline said teasingly._

_Renata laughed._

_"Do you want to go out on the balcony?" Renata asked. "I'm in need of a little fresh air, and some more privacy."_

"Madeline?" Jane nudged her shoulder. "Are you alright? You look a little out of it." 

Madeline realized all eyes were on her.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Sorry, I must have gotten lost in my thoughts for a second there." 

Jane nodded like she knew the feeling, which she most definitely did, but the subtle look of concern didn't leave her face. But the conversation resumed anyway, only Jane's eyes lingering on Madeline's face. 

"Does anyone want to move out onto the porch? It's a bit stuffy in here, and I think we might wake the boys up if we're not careful." Celeste said. 

There were a series of nods and then everyone was making their way out of the door. The champagne and empty snack tray were abandoned in the living room, waiting for later in the night when they would be cleaned up.

Outside it was cool and a bit windy. Anyone who had a cardigan or jacket on wrapped themselves tighter in it in an attempt to stave off the chill. 

"How are the boys Celeste?" Renata asked, settling into a seat across from Madeline around the faux fire pit.

Celeste looked up from where she was crouching to turn on the heat.

"They're fine, I think they're slowly starting to settle into the new house and everything." She took a moment to pause and stand up. "And they're enjoying having Ziggy around more, it livens things up." 

"I don't know if Max and Josh really need more livening up." Jane teased Celeste, who smiled and hit her arm playfully.

The others shared a look.

Soon the conversation picked back up and bounced around from topic to topic, gossip, work, kids, you name it; they talked for what felt like hours. The sky had grown fully dark around them by the time there was a lull. Everyone was growing a bit tired. Madeline yawned and stretched her leg out, balancing it on the edge of the stone surrounding the fire pit. 

"Careful." Celeste warned, her tone similar to the one she used with Max and Josh. Madeline rolled her eyes, moving ever so slightly away from the heat. 

Not a minute after she spoke a car alarm went off from the street and startled Madeline, shifting her balance and placing the smooth skin of her calf against the hot stone.

"Shit!" She pulled back immediately, her hand flying to her calf which was already beginning to grow red and inflamed. The peaceful moment was shattered and in a second the storm began, everyone rushing into action, minds still reeling with the sudden shift of tone.

"Madeline what did I say!" Celeste scrambled to pull the leg up onto her lap to look at it more closely. "Jane, can you get a wet washcloth? You know where they are." Jane nodded and rushed off. 

Bonnie and Renata were quickly at her side as well, looking concerned as Celeste examined her leg.

"I'm fine guys, really we don't need to make a big deal out of this." 

If anything, the lack of dramatics from Madeline seemed to solidify in everyone's minds the fact that she was hurt more than she was letting on. 

"I think we should move inside, I need more light to really see how bad this is." Celeste said. "Can you stand on it Madeline?"

"Can I stand on it- yes, Jesus Christ, I said I'm fine." Madeline pulled her leg down from Celeste's lap and stood up swiftly. A streak of pain shot up her leg, and she must have stumbled in shock because Renata's hands suddenly shot out to steady her. 

"I'm fine." Madeline repeated.

"Oh shut up Madeline, come on." Renata kept her hands firmly on Madeline's waist and pressed her into her side to stop her from swaying anymore. Then, without hesitating, she guided her up the stairs and through the doorway back into the house, leaving the others to follow. 

_The balcony was empty save the two of them. Renata had led them to a more secluded area on the third floor that was separate from the main gala. It was very likely that they weren't supposed to be here at all, but that didn't concern Renata. She was above trivial things like that. Who was going to tell her she couldn't sneak off? And even if they did, what were they going to do about it?_

_"So what do you do Madeline Martha Mackenzie?" Renata asked, leaning back on the railing, her champagne glass balanced precariously between her index and middle fingers. In the moonlight the diamond necklace draped across her chest sparkled and gleamed. Madeline liked the way her name sounded on Renata's tongue._

_"I work part time. The rest of the time I'm home with my daughter."_

_Renata looked surprised._

_"Daughter?" Her eyes flicked down to Madeline's ringless finger. "Are you married?"_

_"No." Madeline's tone advised her to drop the subject. She had Ed, who she knew in the back of her mind she would end up with for years, but they weren't serious yet, and she intended to make that clear._

_"Alright then." Renata took another sip of the champagne. "So you're a stay at home mom." Her tone hardly hid its condescending edge._

_"Do you have an issue with that?" Madeline spat. She was not a pushover, and she wasn't going to let this woman make her feel inferior, no matter how the curve of her back made Madeline flush._

_Renata grinned at her, almost mischievously. That look was deadly._

_"No, I'm not going to question your choices." Madeline could feel her jaw tighten. "More champagne? You're not nursing are you? I heard you're not supposed to drink if you are." Renata teased, not entirely kindly._

_"Fuck you. I'm not." Madeline said coldly, holding out her glass for Renata to refill._

_Renata smirked at her again, and Madeline could feel herself sinking into this, whatever game they were playing, wherever they were going; she might have been in over her head, but if she was drowning it was in champagne and Renata's perfume, and she couldn't get enough, she wanted to swim in this moment forever. Renata filled her glass and then her own._

_She looked at Renata over the rim of her champagne, maybe daring her to come closer._

_"What about you? Are you married?" Madeline was pretty sure she wasn't, but she wanted to be positive._

_"Nope." Renata took a large sip of champagne, throwing her head back as she swallowed, pushing her hair off her shoulders and purposefully drawing attention to her bare neck._

_Madeline walked over to where Renata was leaning on the railing. Fuck it._

Once they were inside Madeline was half pushed, half carried into the dining room and onto a chair.

"Put your leg up." Renata said, as blunt as ever as she pulled a chair up next to her. 

Madeline huffed, but did as she said. It wasn't long before Jane came rushing back from the kitchen with a cool washcloth which she laid gently on Madeline's sensitive calf, offering much needed relief. Celeste fretted over her again, checking to see if the burn was blistering and googling whether or not it required further medical attention and if it was second or first degree. Bonnie and Renata sat on her other side, quietly watching, while Jane hovered in between Celeste and Madeline.

"I don't think you need to see a doctor, I'm going to get the aloe vera cream to soothe it and a bandage to wrap it up." Celeste announced.

"Would you get some aspirin while you're at it?" Madeline groaned, the adrenaline was wearing off and replacing itself with a hot ache. 

Celeste nodded and stood up to get them from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. While she was gone Madeline tried to breathe through her nose and remember that it wasn't much worse than a bad sunburn. 

"Can I have a glass of water?" She turned her head towards Jane, who nodded and got up to get her one. Nobody questioned the way that Jane seemed to know her way around the house perfectly, better than any of the rest of them. Jane handed her the water, and Madeline drank in big gulps, thankful for the ice cold feeling it spread down her throat and into her chest. 

Before she could finish the glass of water Celeste was coming back out with a big bottle of aloe vera gel and gauze in one hand and aspirin in the other. Madeline greedily took the two painkillers Celeste offered her and swallowed them with the last of her water, only managing to thank Celeste after she finished. 

"This might hurt Madeline, but try not to move too much. I'll do my best to be as gentle as possible." Celeste pulled her leg back up onto her lap and poured a generous amount of gel into her hands. 

"Ready?" She looked to Madeline, who nodded, and then began to delicately spread the cream over the burn.

Madeline hissed in pain.

"Sorry." Celeste grimaced, but continued. 

Madeline's hand gripped the edge of her chair subconsciously, so hard that her knuckles started to go white. 

"Bonnie don't you have any special all natural organic cream that would make this hurt less?" Madeline gritted her teeth and spoke, fully aware that she was being a bitch. She was in pain, Bonnie would forgive her. 

The third swipe of cream on her skin made her bite her lip and grip even harder. Then she felt something, someone, rest their hand on top of Madeline's, rubbing slow, soothing circles into her skin. To her surprise when she looked down, she was greeted with Renata's impeccably manicured nails.

_Renata's hands felt softer on her waist than she had expected them to. They weren't exactly gentle, neither of them were being gentle tonight, but they were only firm enough that she was reminded of their presence, not enough to hurt. She had Madeline pressed up against the brick wall of the building, just to the left of the window so that if anybody were to come upstairs, they wouldn’t see them until they were out on the balcony. Renata’s lips were demanding and soft, and just as dominant as Madeline had expected them to be. Renata just looked like a woman who wanted control._

_“Stop thinking.” Renata mumbled in between kisses. “What are you thinking about?”_

_Madeline refused to pull away from Renata long enough to speak in full sentences._

_“You.”_

_“Your hands.”_

_“That dress.”_

_Renata laughed and squeezed Madeline’s hips. The white fabric was bunched up a little where she was holding Madeline, making the originally just above the knee length dress hover near her mid thigh._

_“You don’t have to think about them. I’m right here, just ask for what you want.”_

_Madeline’s head spun. That seemed like too kind, too intimate of a phrase to be used on someone you didn’t even know, and would probably never see again._

_Renata moved her mouth to Madeline’s neck and began kissing along her jawline, smearing the remaining remnants of her dark red lipstick across Madeline’s skin as if she were a blank canvas and Renata was the painter. Madeline stifled a groan and ran her fingers through Renata’s hair. The soft light streaming out from the windows made everything look more exquisite, not that Renata needed any help in that department. In Madeline's mind's eye, the two of them in that moment were worthy of being captured on film and immortalized forever. It was perfect. The hand on her waist and the hand on the wall, steadying Renata, the exposed skin of Madeline's thigh, the contrasting bright white and dark green fabrics of their dresses, the sparkling of diamonds in both of their ears. This moment was one for the history books._

_Renata bit down at the sensitive skin near her ear, hard enough to leave a mark. Madeline's skin erupted in goosebumps and she jumped at the unexpected sting. With anyone else it could’ve been carelessness, a lapse of judgement, but Madeline already knew Renata was too smart and too cocky for that. It was purposeful and Madeline groaned at the eroticism of it all, of Renata's tongue soothing the now sore spot, and scratched down the skin exposed by the open back of Renata’s dress in response. She wasn’t the only one who was going to walk away looking ravaged._

_Renata’s hand travelled up her sides from her hip until her thumb rested just under the wire of her bra and her fingers curled around her sides to her back, aching to reveal more skin._

_“Do you want to go inside?” Madeline didn’t want to get undressed on the balcony, and she could tell that was where they were headed._

_Renata pulled back and looked her in the eyes intensely, like she was trying to read  
her thoughts._

_“Are you sure?”_

_Madeline nodded._

_Renata took her by the hand and led her through the winding hallways of the mansion until they found an empty guestroom. Madeline briefly wondered if Celeste was wondering where she was, but the thought was much less persuasive than Renata’s hands pushing her down on the bed, or the newly exposed skin of her chest. Celeste could take care of herself._

Madeline flipped her hand over from holding the chair and grabbed Renata's. Renata didn’t pull back, and she didn’t wince as Madeline gripped tightly in pain. 

"I'm almost done." Celeste said, rubbing the last bit of cream on the burn before she began to wrap it all up. Once it was done she leaned back and let out a sigh, releasing some of the tension in her shoulders. Madeline did the same. 

"Thank you Celeste." 

Celeste smiled and nodded, and her hand went straight for the wine on the table to soothe her fried neves. The five of them stood there for a moment, enjoying the stillness after the storm. Renata’s hand was still clasped firmly in Madeline’s. It wasn’t until Bonnie yawned and made a comment about heading home and it being late, that either of them dropped their hold on each other. 

“Do you need a ride home Madeline?” Jane asked, considerate as ever.

“No, I’ll be fine to drive. Just give me a minute to relax and I’ll be on my way.” 

There were a few looks and sounds of protest, but Madeline silenced them with a hand. 

“First of all it's my left leg that’s burned. My right leg is perfectly capable of operating a car. Second of all, it’s basically a bad sunburn, not a third degree burn. I’ll be fine.” 

Celeste still insisted on walking with her to her car, Renata following only just far enough behind that it wasn't obvious that she wanted to be there in case something happened. 

“I swear, I’ll call you if I need anything, which I won’t, but if I do I’ll call.” Madeline said to Celeste as she closed the car door. "And thank you again for patching up my war wounds." Celeste smiled at her familiar dramatics and nodded.

Madeline waved everyone goodbye as she pulled out into the street and threw on one of the playlists Chloe had made her. She fast forwarded through a few songs until Coming Home by Leon Bridges played through the speakers. She sang along softly to the lyrics, enjoying the quietness of Monterey this late at night. 

Madeline's house was quiet too, and a bit empty without any kids to fill the space. Unlike earlier however, Madeline didn't feel suffocated by the stillness, still feeling full from the hours spent with her friends. She stripped off her clothes and got into her pajamas, already sluggish with tiredness.

Once Madeline's head settled on her pillow she began to drift off into a sticky, alcohol tainted sleep. Even before she was fully asleep she began to dream, unclear and disorienting dreams that floated through time and space, mixing together her past and her fantasies into one confusing sequence that only got more tangled as she slipped deeper into her slumber.

There were moments during that in between stage where Madeline wasn't sure what was real and what was imagination; the simplest things seemed to have a surreal quality- the cup of water on the nightstand, for example- while the most extreme visions seemed perfectly real. And then, finally, she slipped away from herself fully, falling asleep at last.

Renata was lying next to her, her hair splayed out on the pillow, disheveled and golden in the early morning light. Her hand was stretched lazily over the gap between them to rest on the bare skin of Madeline's hip, under her slip. Madeline let the sight of her quiet, sleeping form wash over her, trying to commit it to memory. It was a scene that belonged in a painting, all soft oranges and yellows and peach tones. Madeline reached a hand out to stroke Renata's face. She opened her eyes once Madeline's fingertips met her skin and blinked a few times to adjust to the light, giving Madeline a lazy smile at the feeling. 

"How long have you been up?" She asked, stretching out and yawning.

"Not long." Madeline replied, rolling onto her side to fully face Renata. 

Renata leaned forward to pull Madeline into her embrace, which Madeline did, albeit a bit clumsily, and she gave her a quick kiss in between their laughter.

"We should get up." Madeline mumbled into Renata's shoulder.

"Why? We have nowhere to be." Renata trailed a hand along Madeline's spine over her silk nightgown. 

"What about Chloe?"

Renata pushed herself into a sitting position against the headboard and grabbed a mug of coffee off of the bedside table while Madeline readjusted next to her.

"The girls are at Bonnie's, remember?" 

Madeline could feel herself soften at the phrasing of the sentence, like the four of them were a family now. 

"They're there all weekend so we can celebrate our anniversary alone, for once." Renata gave her a suggestive look over the rim of the mug.

"Stop that!" Madeline smacked her bicep lightly, but blushed all the same. "And give me a sip." She added, reaching for the mug. Renata rolled her eyes and let her have it. Things fell back into a peaceful silence as Madeline leaned into Renata's side and picked up the book she was reading last night while Renata slowly finished her coffee, dragging her fingers slowly through Madeline's hair.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" Madeline said, looking up from her book out of the blue. She hadn't actually been absorbing the words on the page, instead focusing her attention on the comforting feeling of Renata's skin against hers.

"Where did that come from?" Renata chuckled almost bashfully. She wasn't the best at receiving intimate compliments, ones that had nothing to do with her business or her intellect or her wealth. Madeline shrugged.

"Nowhere. It's true, you are. I've always thought so." 

"Even when we were at each other's throats?" 

"Of course, why do you think we fought so much? You look hot when you're mad." 

Renata laughed loudly this time, comfortable again in the more comedic dynamic. 

"I love you."

Renata's bright blue eyes went soft. 

"I love you too." 

Madeline awoke with a start. It was still dark out, the only light in the room came from her clock, which read 1:17am. She felt like she had been dunked in a bathtub of ice water. The dream had been so vivid she felt the need to look at the other side of the bed, half expecting to see Renata sprawled across the sheets. It was empty, as it had been for months. And there wasn't a coffee mug on the nightstand, or photos of Renata, Chloe, and Amabella on the walls. 'It wasn't real' Madeline softly reminded her reeling and disappointed subconscious. 

This wasn't the first time Renata had been featured in Madeline's dreams, but it was the first time in a long time, years maybe, that she was featured like this. Dreams of Renata in her bed or any number of various other domestic situations had always brought on waves of shame, especially when it was Ed she woke up next to, but they also brought an inexplicable yearning, one that Madeline repressed and internalized for years until it was inaccessible, even in dreams. Until now. 

Thinking about it all made a dull throb appear at Madeline's temples, paired with an ever growing lump in her throat, one that had been building for a decade. She felt rotten, like she'd let this all fester for too long and now it was coming back to haunt her.

Part of Madeline was tempted to lean back into her pillow and slip unconscious again as she had done so many times before, hoping she would end up back in the same dream and ignoring the sick feeling in her stomach. Dreams were much easier to navigate than reality. But this time Madeline sat up and rubbed her eyes, resigning herself to be awake for a while. There was nobody else in her bed, and nobody in Renata's. So why did she still feel shameful? Why did she still feel guilty and sickened with herself when she woke up thinking Renata's arm would be steadily wrapped around her waist? 

Madeline stood up and went to the bathroom to rinse her face and calm down a bit. The bright lights that hung above the mirror hurt Madeline's tired eyes so she turned them off, bathing herself in darkness again. She reached for her phone to turn on the flashlight for a little bit of light, but instead she found herself scrolling through her notifications. A text from Chloe, one from Celeste, a few in the group chat of the five of them. 

Before she could really register what was happening, Madeline was looking at Renata's contact photo again. She looked so happy, Amabella around her hip with cake smeared on her cheek. Madeline had secretly sent it to herself from Celeste's phone, because there was no way she was going to ask her to do it. How would she explain that one away? 'No I don't just want the group picture, no I don't just want the ones with me and Chloe in them, I want that picture of Renata because I can't stop staring at it and yes I promise I have only platonic feelings for her.' It must be painted on the back of her eyelids by now. 

In the dark, Madeline felt braver. The blackness all around her softened the blows of her thoughts, and the moon was much more forgiving of her than the sun was. Maybe that was how she had convinced herself that calling Renata wasn't the worst idea, she wasn't going to pick up anyway, and leaving a message wouldn't hurt anyone. Even as the phone rang she felt no fear, no trepidation. 

And then Renata picked up. 

Madeline's mind went blank, white with terror. 

"Madeline? Why are you calling me?" Renata sounded vaguely annoyed, and worried underneath it.

Madeline couldn't bring herself to respond, not in the time before Renata spoke again.

"Is your leg alright? Can you sleep?" Renata sounded less irritated than Madeline would have expected, but she was far from cheery. 

"It hurts, but not enough to be concerned." Madeline sighed. "I didn't think you were going to pick up."

"Well I did." 

Madeline debated what she should say next, and considered how long she had until Renata hung up.

"I wanted to ask you something."

"What?" The exasperation had begun to trickle into her voice.

"I don't think I can say it without looking at you."

"Jesus Christ Madeline."

"Can I come over?" Madeline had truly lost her mind.

"It's two in the morning can this not wait for a better time?" 

"I'll never ask it if I don't do it tonight." 

"Fine." 

Renata hung up. 

Whether it was an invitation or a rejection, Madeline threw on a sweater and leggings and got in her car. 

Renata's house was dark when she pulled into the driveway and Madeline wondered for a moment if she'd made the right decision by coming over. There was a possibility that Renata wouldn't even answer the door, or that she had fallen back asleep. Madeline rang the doorbell with a shaky hand. 

The sound of feet descending the stairs and a light clicking on in the hallway made Madeline's heartbeat increase. She stepped back a bit, opening some space up in between herself and the door. 

"You're here." Renata said when she opened the door.

"Yeah." Madeline replied. 

Renata made no moves to invite her in, clearly wary of what was to come. 

"What did you want to ask me?"

"Do you remember the first time we met?" 

Renata looked at her. Her eyes were almost comically wide, perfectly encapsulating the phrase 'deer caught in headlights.'

“What?”

"I just need to know if you do Renata. It's been eating at me for so long."

_Renata climbed off the bed and grabbed her dress from the floor. She examined it before slipping it back on, doing her best to smooth out the wrinkles._

_"You need to get dressed." She said, and threw Madeline's dress at her._

_Madeline just sat there, half dazed from the sex they'd just had barely ten minutes ago, half shocked by the swiftness with which it had ended._

_"Come on." Renata tugged her up out of the bed and guided her arms through her bra. "Someone could come in looking for us. We've been gone for a while." She finished clasping the bra and handed Madeline her lace underwear unabashedly. Madeline's face burned as she slipped them on, her head finally beginning to clear._

_"This was really good." Renata spoke again when Madeline remained silent._

_Madeline looked up at Renata, because she really was so tall, and nodded._

_“Yeah.” The response seemed lackluster, because it was. Something had changed inside her; this felt like one of those nights that would shift her entire life. Yet even as it was still happening, it had the quality of a memory she could barely remember, like sand slipping through her fingers; it was something she could never recapture, something fleeting._

_No other words could seem to come to her mouth, so she pulled up her dress and wrapped her arms around Renata's neck, kissing her again. The last time. Renata pulled back before either could really savor it._

_"I need to get going. Goodnight Madeline."_

_And then she was gone. Slipped out the door._

Renata shut the door behind her and stepped further out onto her porch. Madeline could only half make out her face in the dark, the moonlight peeking through the clouds being the only source of light. 

“You came here in the middle of the night to ask me that? What kind of question is that Madeline are you kidding me?” Renata’s tone had shifted to anger. Madeline stared at her dark green robe that covered her black silk nightgown. 

“I just want an answer. I came here to ask you that and I want an answer.” 

_They didn’t meet for years. It wasn’t until after Madeline was married to Ed, just like she had known she would be all those years ago, and Renata was married to Gordon, both of them with kids. But Madeline knew her the second she saw her._

_It was Max and Josh’s third birthday, and Renata had been invited because Perry wanted her to be, every event being a chance to network. She looked older, and she had little Amabella in her arms, and Gordon at her side. Celeste had introduced them._

_“Madeline this is Renata Klein, Perry knows her from work. And this is her husband Gordon, and her daughter Amabella.”_

_Madeline shook her free hand and searched her eyes for any recognition, even the slightest hint of something, a fond glance, a little blush of remembrance, a sneer, anything. But there was none._

_She would’ve been lying if she said she hadn’t thought about that night since it happened, hadn’t replayed the events over in her head when she was lying in bed at night, unable to sleep._

_“Hi. I’m Madeline Martha Mackenzie, but everyone just calls me Madeline. This is my husband Ed, and my daughter Chloe.”_

_“Nice to meet you Madeline.”_

“Yes I remember it. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you came here for?” Renata sounded furious, but her eyes were glazed over like she was about to start crying. 

“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me? Why not when we saw each other again?” 

Renata laughed, dry and humorless. 

“Oh what was I supposed to say? Was I just supposed to ask your husband to borrow you for another night? We were both married Madeline, we both had children.” Renata looked at her incredulously. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why did I have to be the one to start everything? So you could blame me when your husband found out?” 

“No! I…” Madeline tried to find the words, “It seemed you didn’t care about that night as much as I did.” 

“You didn’t know how I was feeling. You never asked me, you just assumed.” 

“When was I supposed to ask you?!” 

“Don’t you hear yourself right now? That's my point: neither of us could've said anything! Besides, if either of us had reason to assume the other one didn’t care it was me! You’re the one who only said ‘yeah’ after we finished having sex, if my memory serves me right. How am I supposed to read that Madeline? Enlighten me please!” 

Madeline opened her mouth but closed it again, unable to think of a single thing worth saying. Renata just looked at her, not willing to budge. 

“I’m sorry.” Madeline held her breath. The sky had cleared and the moon was reflecting off of the ocean, casting a bluish light over the world, giving everything a dream-like quality. “I don’t know what else to say.” 

Renata stared at her, her arms crossed around her torso. Madeline couldn’t tell if she was appeased by the admission or still furious.

"Think of something."

"I can't."

Renata sighed, deep and tired.

"Why ask me now?"

"Because I had a dream about you."

Things went silent between them for a moment.

“I don’t regret it. I don’t regret any of it.” Renata spoke roughly, but her words conveyed a tenderness even still. 

Madeline broke. Whatever she had been expecting from Renata’s mouth, that wasn’t it. She could feel her lips part and hang open. She probably looked like a fool. 

“Neither do I.” Madeline scrambled to get the words out. 

"You realize that it won't be the same as it was back then." Renata said cautiously, maybe bittersweetly.

"I know." Madeline smiled at her, the gesture designed to soothe. "Is that a bad thing?"

Renata walked towards her and wrapped an arm around her waist, fitting her fingers against the invisible marks she had left on her skin all those years ago. Madeline’s arms draped around her neck. Up close like this and without any makeup on her face, Renata looked softer, and older. Madeline smiled at her again, desperately trying to communicate the feeling of elation and comfort she felt.

Their lips met. 

Though it may have mirrored the past, Madeline could only think of the present. Renata was right, they weren’t the exactly same people they had been all those years ago, but maybe that was a good thing; and maybe all the years apart hadn’t been wasted, maybe they were a lesson, a time to grow into the people who could love each other well. Maybe they had a glimpse of something back then, a peek at the future, a future that was happening now. All they had to do was wait.

But then someone deepened the kiss, and maybe all that shit about being different was a lie because Madeline felt ten years younger, and Renata's lips, forever insistent and a bit impatient, tasted the same. 

_Renata brushed her hand over her cheek,_ not breaking their kiss, and shifted to thread her fingers through Madeline's hair, enjoying the softness of it. _She nipped at Madeline's lower lip_ worrying it into a warm red, even without any lipstick on. _She pulled Madeline closer to her,_ like they couldn't possibly get close enough, and a warmth settled in her belly, pressing her to go further. 

But then Renata stopped kissing her altogether, and clutched her into an embrace. Madeline's face ended up buried in Renata's chest, and Renata's head rested on top of hers. She still smelled the same too, under a different perfume, it was still Renata, familiar and all encompassing.

Renata pulled back with a comfortable smile, one that seemed like an invitation back into her life, like, even though it’d been nearly a decade, they’d only been separated by a long day at work or a business trip. 

“Come inside.”

**Author's Note:**

> my never ending quest for laura dern to play another gay character continues


End file.
